The Shameless and the Shy

2011... In Retrospection

2012-01-06T23:38:00.000+05:30

2011… what should I say about the year that was? To summarize, I wish I could relive it again. In the words of my friend “Ettinabhuja, Chandra Tal, Kumaraparvatha”. These words might seem just gibberish to you. But these mean a lot more, than I can explain it in the form of words, to me and some people very close to me. I am not even trying to capture the essence of these words in this post as it would be nothing short of futile. Rather I would focus on how the year meant more to me than these three words.

The year couldn’t have begun any better. Alone… En route Pune to Bangalore to Trivandrum by bus. As expected, the entire year I was travelling... sometimes for fun, sometimes for adventure and a couple of times for football. Picking up the bag and just walking out of the front door to places unknown and unseen to me became a habit. The sight of my backpack in office became so common that it prompted my colleagues to ask me the question “Where to today?” more than often. All this said and done, travelling was only a part of what happened during the year. A location shift, quitting my job and falling in love (and still in love) with a girl whom I have never even met till now (more in love with the IDEA of such a girl) being the other highlights I can remember. All in all, if someone asked me to point out one thing I would like to forget that happened last year, I would reply him, “I guess it’s already done as I don’t remember!!!”

But the essence of the year lies in these small instances which makes you feel special and these tiny hints that people give you which makes you feel proud about yourself, maybe like an unexpected reward from your company, a letter from your manager, a story that makes you idolize someone instantly, the hint of sadness and that tear your friend tried to hide in vain when you had to leave, the words “I will miss you” said right from the heart, the words “You are the best” from a lifelong friend and last but not the least, the words “I have faith in you” coming from the people you love. Yes, I had it all last year. As I pen down these words, there are a lot more that I would like to add to the previous list, but I am exercising caution. I realize that this post has just been a teaser and I am ending it in an abrupt halt. But this is intended to a select few who will understand every word of what is written above.

I know not what the year ahead has in store for me. It would be folly to think that it would be smooth and welcoming, seeing the tasks I have at hand. All that I can do is hope the year holds something promising ahead. So far everything seems going well. But as I so often say, life has its way of showing the finger when you least expect and then asking you to deal with it. Well, if and when that happens, I shall smile and remember the three words my friend told me... “Ettinabhuja, Chandra Tal, Kumaraparvatha”.

It is Funny that You are Never on the Losing Side

2011-10-18T18:16:00.001+05:30

Last night, my friend and I had a long walk through the deserted streets in our neighborhood. And of course, as usual, we were at our rebellious best, questioning the very foundations of the typical Indian society and what followed was a lot of revelations and some resolutions. What better way to question the ‘typical Indian society’ other than to have a conversation on arranged marriage and love marriage. The current generation is at the verge of a revolution, where they start questioning the established norms of an Indian family. They are only too casual in using the questions ‘What’s wrong with it?’ ‘Why should I do it just because everybody else is doing it?’ and many more. But when you come to think of it, every generation has come through their own rebellious face sometime or the other in their life and later have accepted their ‘fate’ as any ‘law abiding citizen’ might do. But somehow I get the feeling that things are different with this generation (meaning, the young adults of today). The circumstances around them are changing so radically that factors like ‘he/she comes from a good family’, ‘they are rich beyond your wildest imagination’ (had to think twice before including this ;) ) ‘since the family is good the boy/girl is deemed to be the perfect match for us’ have become redundant. Look around you. You will find examples walking out of their door every morning living perfectly normal, respectable lives. And I can assure you, that you might not have thought about ‘what kind of a family he/she comes from’, ‘will he/she be of the same caste and will our horoscopes match?’ etc. The thoughts would be more likely in the lines of (if you are looking for a serious relationship) ‘I wonder if he/she is going out with someone’ OR ‘I wonder if he/she has a respectable job’… the more logical questions.

The reasons for this change? The current generation lives in an India, which is no longer bound by boundaries of language or caste or religion (a very bold statement indeed and it might be too early too). India is undergoing a true ‘Indianisation’ within itself. Meaning, it is moving from a confluence or a collection of states which is bound together by a common constitution and a set of laws, to the true concept of one nation. No matter how hard you deny that this situation never existed, I would urge you to ask yourself. I refrain myself from providing a number of obvious yet disturbing examples to support my point, but I can certainly provide you examples to prove that the situation is changing.

Step out of your front door and you will hear at least 3 different languages than your own. Your neighbor might be an orthodox veggie Gujju girl having a Punjabi boyfriend. The family next door is more likely to a Tam Brahm boy married to a Muslim girl than your normal ‘same caste, same religion, product of arranged marriage’ couple. What do you find in common in all of them? They have fights every single day, throw curses at each and reach for their partners throats with every intention to kill. But then again, look closer. You also find love, respect and adoration. You will find that they love each other for the person they are. After a big fight at night, they still wake up the next morning finding each other attractive. The boy finds the girl so peaceful and innocent in her sleep that he is teleported back to that very moment when he actually fell for her. The girl realizes that it was he and no one else, who stood by her when the entire world was scorning at her. That’s enough to get things back to normal. Of course, I needn’t mention that absolutism is just a myth that exists in an Utopian society. There is also a chance that you might actually wake up one day to find that the Punjabi guy murdered the Gujju girl because he was sick and tired of her orthodox ways and her paneer curries (there is always a possibility you know).

Now look at the other scenario. You find yourself to be the neighbor of the typical arranged marriage family. Highly unlikely to hear any fights. Equally unlikely to hear a hearty laughter as well. No loud music, no passionate voices. All in all, ‘a well behaved’, nonexistent neighbor. When they make their ‘blue moon’ appearance, you are not likely to throw a second ‘curious’ glance at them. The wife is a silent shadow, who does her husband’s bidding to the last syllable and unsurprisingly the husband is your normal chauvinistic moron who has an aura of pride and superiority (for his own personal reasons). The reverse is also quite possible these days, with the kind of ‘women empowerment’ that is going on. Pretensions become the order of the day, simply because they don’t know what his/her partner wants. They are totally confused about each other’s expectations. And by the time they figure some of them out, they already have a couple of kids and they have to think about their future. Where did they live their lives here? In fact most of the arranged marriages survive due to this confusion which is later followed by the resignation to one’s fate. Life is a vicious maze of exceptions and expectations my friends. Though I have travelled through a road and have showed you many sceneries along the way, this is not the only way you have.

The onus lies on you to find your road. The one which you will take for your journey forward. If all that you find is a dusty path to start with, don’t be upset. Just realize that there are many who have started from dead ends and had to build a road out of nowhere, and still others who started perfectly with no bumps at all on the way and fell into a ditch, or (God save their souls) fell off a cliff. But at the end of the day you are never on the losing side. Why? I shall leave that to your (perverted) imagination.

Passionate and Inspired

2011-10-17T15:23:00.000+05:30

Anger, love, jealously, ecstasy, revenge, happiness, sadness, determination, arrogance, confidence, overconfidence, respect, adoration... the list is endless. I can go on like this. It is really difficult to capture the full range of emotions that runs through your mind. I mean, just take your normal day. You go out on a walk not thinking anything in particular. But as you walk, you start thinking 'stuff' up. A sea of emotions starts coming into your subconscious. Sometimes triggered by the things that you see around you, sometimes by the things that has been bothering you for quite a while or sometimes by things you dont have control over. Or maybe not even any of these. Just an idea that has captured your imagination to the extend of obsession/ to the extend of madness. It starts growing like a virus in your mind that it consumes all your space. You start shrinking in the very presence of the idea. The idea becomes you...you become the idea. It starts consuming your time with futile thoughts, various 'ifs' and 'buts' start to grow out of nowhere. You start seeing endless possibilities and risks in that one idea. Then suddenly with one snap of your fingers you return to reality. I wouldn't mind if the reader thinks (at this point of time) that I am slowly loosing my mind.

But tell me you have never dwelt on the immense possibilities of a stupid idea that suddenly emerged out of nowhere and fantasized on 'how nice if it were real!!!' Let's take it one step further... what if a remote possibility exists that the idea (let's use 'thought' from now) could actually become reality one day, if all the variables in the equation are taken care of? There my friends is where passion comes from. But sadly, passion can only take you as far as how passionate you actually are about the thought. Absolutism is always and on any day better than feelings stained with dyes of other feelings. Absolute love not stained by judgement, absolute hatred not stained by sympathy and the absolute feeling of revenge not stained by the feeling of weakness. All these are powerful forces which can drive a reasonable guy away from his reason. It can lead a person to make the most shocking of choices if ever presented before him/her. But for the 'protagonist' there is always a reason behind his choice and that for him/her always makes sense. This reason is what we call inspiration.

You draw inspiration from various 'events' around you. It can be an act of love, an act of kindness, an act of cruelty, a feeling of sympathy. The stronger the source of your inspiration the stronger you feel to work towards your goal. If your passion and inspiration are complementary, there is no force on this earth that can stop that idea from becoming true (as long as you are true to yourself). If you are really passionate about something, my friends, you will find the source of your inspiration in the journey of life. Since life always has its way of surprising us at every corner, you are most likely to find your inspiration from the most unexpected place, people or whatever 'variables'.

I stop this nonsensical babbling with another thought, and a warning. What if your ultimate source of inspiration is a woman and her life? And... by living your passion you take one step closer to realizing her?

Warning: (In this particular case) Don't count your chickens before they hatch.

Uncomfortably Numb

2011-09-11T18:15:00.000+05:30

The 'problem' with travelling so often is that it soon grows on you. It grows on you so much that the thought of a desk job, or getting stuck in a single location is enough to start a headache and send your head spinning. The 'problem' with travelling particularly to mountains is that they keep calling you back.By 'call' I mean the voice of a canary, the voice of a girl with the most beautiful face whom you wished a coffee with, an authoritative coach, the voice of your friend you hear after you have downed 4 ales, that whatever be the conversation he cannot be wrong at that time (even if he had banged your girlfriend in the past). In short... persuasive (should have saved you the trouble in the beginning). The idea of living out of a back pack, waking up to the chirping of birds, the cool mountain breeze on your face and the roaring of the wild river in the background is exhilarating. The fact that not a month back I had the perfect days of my life, only makes the sting more potent. I mean, it is not everyday that a southie like me gets a chance to wake up in the Himalayan valley and take a dump on the river side with the ice cold mountain wind blow right up your arse (you get the picture). But that's not what makes it exhilarating (although the thought is scary 'coz shitting was not easy back then). Imagine waking up in a tent with the only constant clue of civilization being the car you travel in and the curt smile of your host standing with a cup of tea, welcoming you to the beginning of the new day.

Himalayas... If you listen carefully, the mountain winds will tell you stories of the old. Stories of courage and sacrifice and hardships and love. The flowing river... the only life line for the people living there. For us as well, in those days. Nature shows you, who you really are. How insignificant you are in this whole design. One higher wind gradient could have triggered a landslide, a little higher temperature could have melted the glacial rivers and flooded the roads earlier than expected. Every moment of our life... nature's charity. She was at her arrogant best. I was nothing. I am nothing. The moment you realize this, you realize there is a lot of room for improvement. Improvement in the way you live your life, the way you treat others. Experiences are there to be seen and lessons there to be learned in every breath you take in the company of nature. You start valuing life. That's when you realize you need a reason to do, whatever it is that you wish to do. Money though a necessity seems insignificant enough, to search for another reason to continue doing the work we do.

I was happy back then. I felt secure in the remotest part of my country, despite the fact that, that week Andhra Pradesh was burning due to Telangana, Delhi was on high alert due to terror threats and I looked nothing short of a terrorist with my long beard and locks. In fact, I felt nothing could go wrong as long as I was on the road. Half broke, fighting for every breath I took, trying hard to stay awake due to fatigue, yet... nothing could go wrong... nothing did. It was perfect. Perfection that I cannot draw any parallels with. That sense of complete happiness which has come so often in my yesteryears but seldom come nowadays, not more than a teaser even if they do. I am blank now. A kind of numbness. Incompetence to think intelligently. Like the pool of thought is draining slowly away from my mind. Nothing that I am doing right now makes sense. Waking up, dressing up in 'business formals', clocking hours of doing nothing in office. I am not sure if it is because of the emptiness that filled me after the trip. I would like to think not. It is deeper than that. I do understand that absolute happiness for the entire lifetime is a myth. But whenever things get out of hand I know the mountains and the rivers and the forests will be there to cool my mind and guide me to peace.

But inner peace...that is something that I would have to find myself.

The Trip That Was-Part 1

2011-03-06T12:53:00.000+05:30

Probably it is too late to write about something that happened a year ago. But that is what memories are for. To be recollected down the lane, to make us smile when we are sad, to give us inspiration when we need the most and most important, to make us feel good about ourselves.

As I sat chatting with my friend about the year that passed, my mind was carried away to that scorching summer of '10, when three guys packed their bags and left the comfort of their homes, to witness one of the largest human gatherings that has ever happened in the past, nor might never happen in the future. Nothing did they have other than tickets to reach their rendezvous point and the tickets back home from the rendezvous point. For a brief period of time, they were joined by another rogue, who risked his neck, by travelling ticketless overnight because of another rogue in the pack, who had booked tickets for him, but it was for the wrong day. The latter was me :)

This post is not about taking the reader through a detail of the trip as it would be impossible and absolutely humiliating to my ego. This is about a few re-affirmations made during the duration and also a realization that human limits is where we define them to be.

Seldom do we feel that nothing can go wrong, everything is perfect and "I have the whole world at my feet". Seldom do we have a spring in our step and seldom are we not burdened by the umpteen thoughts that keep running in our mind like express trains and we standing right in front of it. How ironic when you realize that the cities were alien, notorious for fraudsters, the cash factor was thin and we had not a familiar soul around us. Ironic also because all the 'rogues', including the 'part-time' one, had their lives pretty screwed up at that time, either in the personal front,professional front, or... it was just screwed.

In the end, it was 10 days of pure ecstasy, a test of endurance, a fight against the harsh forces of nature and a fight against the inner urge to succumb to the comfort loving 'civilized' 'city'zens whom we had left behind along with the shiny shoes and ties and computers. Did I find my true self during those days? I definitely hope not...because no matter how much kick ass those days were, I love my parents. But, God I wish to have another of those kick ass holidays!!!

What makes the Beautiful Game so Beautiful

2011-01-26T09:23:00.000+05:30

What is it that makes football so special? Being an ardent fan, I have pondered over this like a zillion times, but in vein. A bladder with air covered in animal skin. That’s all that is. But it has millions of followers all over, maybe even more than most of the religions. But what is it that makes football so special? Why are people so passionate, so fanatical about this game? What makes football the most popular game on Earth? I have no answer for this.

The pure ecstasy that fills you when you play the game can only be felt and not described. You have to live it to understand it. The feeling is nothing less than flying a jet, or having an orgasm. Every time, the game entices me in a way least expected. The feeling of absolute freedom, as if you have nothing to lose sets in as soon as you take to the field. But, if it’s a game that matters then the scene changes. Winning at any cost. Spill your blood, break your bones, I don’t care. Push your limits. No game challenges you so much, to push yourself. No other game makes you realize your limits and urges you to break them at the same time. No other game can make you feel wise and stupid at the same time. The pride you feel when you succeed, the sadness that engulfs you when you lose, the anger that encompasses the mind when things go bad, the guilt you feel for a mistake made, the disappointment you endure for letting your team down are all absolute. Nothing else lingers in these feelings.

The game grows in you like the taste of beer. But once you are ‘addicted’ to it, there is no getting out. No matter how hard you try. I tried hanging up my boots a year ago. But even after a relatively long gap of 8 months when I took to the field, I found myself playing with the same intensity and craziness as I used to. Nothing changes. Your body may grow old, your outlook might change, you may grow as a person, but whatever it might be, once you are on the field, you true self presents itself without any curtains.

Saying so much about the game has left me wanting to play the game. I am off to where I belong. Only if I could do this for every single day of life, until I die.

I Start Writing Again

2010-12-24T22:58:00.000+05:30

Yes. It feels like the right time. Been 2 years since I blogged. I dint know that my account would be active for so long. When I look back at my posts, it feels kinda good. It feels kinda good to know that these things happened in my life. These things made me sad, made me laugh, made me stronger, made me the person I am now, be it for good or for bad. Experiences maketh a man, they say. I have had aplenty of these in the past 2 years. A plenty. Those who know me, would certainly vouch on that one.

This one, is just an intro kinda stuff. No 'stuff' in it. I hope to post regularly, as regularly regular can be. Thats all for now. :)

Memoirs of Bachelorhood

2008-10-29T17:33:00.000+05:30

Don’t get me wrong ’cause am still in the same phase of life. Delightful bachelorhood. Where responsibilities are important but not crucial and when we have the freedom to do, if I may, whatever we want. I have and still am enjoying my days as a bachelor. And since I am in a new city I have virtually all the freedom I ever need. Yesterday my friends and I went to Lonavala… a hill station nearby. Huh! Hill station. Saw many hills but other than that I dint get any feel of it. The sun beating down relentlessly on us. Ruthless, right from the very beginning. We reached the place and took a ride to a nearby spot. I don’t remember the name nor was there anything cool to see. Except for the view of the valley which was breath taking. Finally something to raise my spirits… a tattoo shop. Been searching for it since leaving my home. Of course ’twas a temp one. I decided to go ahead with it. It started off pretty well. A chain on my right bicep. After an hour I was still sitting there in the sun and the guy was painstakingly tattooing my arm. Finally done. I had to let it dry. Patience is a virtue. Not for me. Left the place with my sleeves up.

My arm on my friend’s shoulder I walked in the sun to let it dry. Finally satisfied that it had dried up I rolled down my sleeves. Then I let the adventurer in me take charge. As we walked down the highway we saw a steep hill by the side of it. Finally I got the chance to use my shoes to the fullest. It might seem a little silly but while buying my Woodland shoes I had hoped to go trekking at least once. The view from the top was just breath taking. Celebrated our victory with a few screams and a few clicks.

Trekking… tattooing… some of the few things that only a young adult bachelor would dare to do. Ok leave trekking…tattooing should fit that list. And still many more to come. Many many more….

The Transition

2008-10-27T13:28:00.001+05:30

Yes I got my call… finally. The doors of Cap Gemini finally opened. Excited, overwhelmed… out of time. Got just 2 weeks to prepare. And out of that, a week gone in Bangalore. I had booked the ticket for one final visit to the place where the “gang” relocated. I also had to fulfill my promise I took the last time I went there. “I’ll be back”, I said… with more money. And yes I went and also with more money. The trip was just wonderful. Yes it lived up to my expectations. We did all that we had planned to do. I am not going into the details ‘cause they are unnecessary and not meant to be disclosed.

After many final goodbyes I boarded the train to Pune. Got a new friend on board. Even the details of that are unnecessary… or maybe I’ll disclose them at a later point of time. Where was I? Yes the train to Pune. The train was punctual… little too punctual… we reached 00:45 hrs. We had to spend the time in the station… until the sun rose. Then we went to our lodging… a wonderful hotel. The next day I saw the result of the test, GD and interview I took almost a year ago. I was not disappointed at all. A sprawling castle like structure on top of a hill. WOW!!! The cool chill of AC breezed through my face as I entered the building. This feeling was something that would get only too common in the days to come. After all the formalities were completed we got our chance to roam around and see what would be our provider for years to come.

Had to search hard for our home…but what came at last was much higher than what I had ever dreamed of. 3 weeks have passed and now I am totally settled and loving it in Pune. “Mechanical” is my life during weekdays and waste is my life during weekends. Nevertheless I love what I am now. But those moments that I get alone I think about my past. My glorious moments with friends…others not so glorious. That night rides in the pillion…those visits to school…those strolls in the football field. My school….my friends… my home… Yes I do miss them… this is my period of transition… maybe the toughest time ever in my life. Just a glimpse of things to come maybe… away from family and friends, forging new relationships in the way.

Truly The Lone Ranger

2008-06-28T20:14:00.000+05:30

Nearly a month alone in my home. Nothing to do... except eat, tv and sleep. As one of my friends very wisely acknowledged,"I like holidays", he said, "not holi months". That should give you a picture of the torture we are going through. Well atleast most of us are going through. This post might not lead anywhere and am just writing it to keep my writing 'ok' and not forget the language.
Think of a day where you wake up and find that you have nothing to do and no place to go. That's everyday for me. I can only hope that my company calls me fast and more important than that I clear all my papers. Thats the more important one actually. I hope I clear them all... I hope I get the call fast... I hope...

Homeostasis

2008-05-04T19:19:00.000+05:30

'A state of equilibrium or a tendency to reach equilibrium, either metabolically within a cell or organism or socially and psychologically within an individual or group'. Thats what it means. Let me explain. It means that if our body is in a state of internal equilibrium it will thrive to remain in that state for as long as possible until the external force becomes greater... usually the change is accompanied or slowed down with many adverse effects.

I realise that I have done nothing but confuse you. But believe me, every single one of you have experienced this, one time or the other in your life. And this is one law that has been killing me for quite sometime now.

Exam time. The one time some of us fear...all of us despise. Except for the studious, it is the time when we see the books, let alone study them. About two or three weeks before the D-Day we collect all the required material and start our 'attempt' to study. But am sure that many of you would not have been able to do any solid studies for the first 3 days minimum. You feel sleepy at odd times, hunger and thirst strikes like never before. These are the ways our body react. Our state of equilibrium is destroyed. Our brain is working after a long break. The body doesnt like it. But finally it comes to terms with this change. The same happens when the exams finish. We wake up early for some days, we don't feel hunger and thirst and such stuff.

Similar stuff happens when you exercise too. You start flexing those ever relaxed muscles and they react... violently...painfully. Sometimes forcing you to stop. That's what the body wants. Preserve the equilibrium.

It is a wonderful phenomenon indeed. But at this moment it is really frustrating me. Am neither here nor there. Ann am still searching for my equilibrium....

No Dues

2008-05-01T10:17:00.000+05:30

The first time I heard this phrase was about 2 months back. It seems we, final years, have to get "no dues" approval from all the departments in our college before we left. .. only then can we leave!!! The form had a list of 27 places. I had not been to about 22 of them. I don't even know where they are in my college...in fact I dint even know they existed... until yesterday. My best friend who's in another college had warned me about this procedure. I got the first taste of it yesterday itself. Went to the library... Honestly i had been there only during the first days of my college. But during my last days I realised that I had 2 books due and both of them 2 and 3 years old. When I calculated, I had to pay a cumulative fine of 3225 bucks. No way. Plan B... A friend in need is a friend indeed. He came with me and we talked to the guy at the desk... Without another word he returned my books and not a single penny payed.

Surprise surprise!!! Those 2 books were not taken on my card. I dint know who one guy was and I havn't spoken to the other one...ever. But its a fact that the two books were with me for the past 3 years. So? My cards were missing. The next day A girl in my class returned one of MY cards. GOD knows when I gave it to her.

So with this one card and the 'no dues' form I approached the library. The guy at the desk checked if any books were taken with my card... None...Happy... Enter the librarian... Sorry no 'no dues' for you today. 'You have to report the loss of the card and we have to check again' was the answer. "I'll BE BACK" was mine.

I see this 'no dues' process in a wider sense. Many things left in the middle... many things left undone. Have been running away from many others. So little time for them all. Though I have a choice to do or not to, I think I'll take a chance with many of them. The rest will have to wait until a future time...

Are These Really Necessary???

2008-04-24T22:55:00.000+05:30

It was my last day in college today. Only exams after... Many of you would think that a sense of nostalgia would be taking over me now and that am gonna write about how am gonna miss those 'golden' days, those days I spend with my buddies basking lazily in the sun and so on and so forth. Wrong!!!! My feelings are quite contrary to this regard. I know at least 10 guys who feel the same way as I do. Until today, it was 2 weeks since I went to college. I missed my final arts day, sports day and a chunk of the long awaited 'demo' days. I remember that 2 to 3 years back I used to plan in my mind how MY demo days would go. Now when the time finally arrived, I slacked. No enthusiasm... no feeling. Truly, I don't regret not going to college or not participating in any of these events. Some guys in class came with autograph books. Others cried... Still others made promises of meeting up 5 years from now at some place etc... I don't mean to disrespect anyone but... BULLSHIT!!!!

I did not feel sad even as I left school. In fact the farewell was one big party, with only some teachers crying. But the days before the farewell, I was really sad and depressed. I was nostalgic, I felt all the ways I mentioned before. I agree that my college life did not reach my expectations. Or did I aim too high??? I'll never know. It doesn't really matter now, does it??? Four years just went like that.

Now I stand at the doorstep of a new world. I don't know what it holds for me. Well... that's future for you... You never know what it holds for you... Whatever it does am true to my heart when I say this... " Am ready for it. Take your best shot"

Bears, Bulls and Deers

2008-04-15T23:04:00.000+05:30

A week more of class... Some in my class say they are sad to leave college. Some say they'll miss 'those golden days'. For a boy who has not been to any of the class tours, any arts festival and have just the required percent of attendance and too with a chunk of duty leave, I don't have to explain my 'emotions'.

At this junction I evaluate my last 4 years. What have I gained? What have I lost? What have I learned?

Gains... I have always been rich in the matter of friends and in the past four years I grew even richer. Frankly, I did not expect to find any true company out of my school. Though I found only a handful, they are still with me and am happy they happened. I believe that, except for boozing, smoking and having an affair, I, along with a friend of mine have done everything, anybody can imagine, and even more, one can do in a city like Trivandrum. The lessons learned from these experiences have certainly helped us become more mature and more wary of the world around us.

The past four years were a mixed curry for me. Disappointments happened in regular intervals, a large chunk of which came in the form of results. My college days turned out to be a bit of disappointing too, because, even though I tried I could never really enjoy my time there. In the beginning I used to go back to my school to find my peace. A sense of calm always filled me when I entered the gates. Never has any other place appeared so inviting to me. Who doesn't want to be in a place where you are known, loved and respected.

Lessons learned were plenty.The first and most important one was that emotions have no place in this world. It has been very difficult, but ever since, I have tried not to let any of my decisions be lingered by emotions. After this, I have done only things that I like, and have been officially labeled a 'rebel' for it. Another lesson I learned was that if you believe that you are right you must stick with it no matter what others think about it. This belief has seen me through a lot of really tough times, many of which were really unpleasant.

Unlike my other posts I was more serious in this one. I really want to write more and more in this regard... But I don't think am ready to share myself with you people. Maybe in the future...

And no am NOT writing this because of any particular event that happened recently and CERTAINLY NOT because any heart break or such stuff. Yeh be warned against asking me anything in this regard either personally or through comments. I MEAN IT!!!!!

BANG! BANG! BANGALORE!!!!

2008-04-04T11:56:00.000+05:30

I know tis a little late for this post. Pardon me for the delay. These events happened 2 weeks back. They redefined the way I think on several subjects. It was one trip that opened my eyes and helped me take a giant leap towards nirvana
As i boarded the train, with my buddies, for Bangalore, the last thing on my mind was to get recommended for the Indian Navy. We found our coach and before getting on, as any passenger would do, checked our names on the list. But we went a bit further. Checked the whole list. Jackpot!!!! F19,F21,F22,F18.... These are not USAF fighter jets. These were our fellow passengers. Interesting journey lie ahead of us and we could not have asked for a better start. As the greenery sped past us outside we spent our time chatting and at times flirting with the F's.
Bangalore did not disappoint us one bit. It gave us more than we expected. Having arrived one day before the reporting day we had ample time to live the 'yeh dil mange more!!!' dream. Lodging was provided by our school mate, partner in crime, Adarsh A.K.A Pothan. Wonderful flat. A cool looking room mate...Norman. Come evening and so did the last member of our gang Bimal from NLSIU. Pothan's flat was near his college...Ramaiah College of medicine. Man!!! The whole time I spent in that campus I could not find one 'not good looking' girl. "Welcome to Bangalore city" was the chorus I heard in my mind when I saw them. The localites in the gang were unamused. As the sun set behind the tree tops we reached Ground Zero. Brigade Road. I don't know who named it, but whoever did had a wild imagination. Mc.D's, KFC's, Puma, Reebok, you name it and the place has it. After feasting our stomach and our eyes we moved on to a mall nearby. Garuda. There it stood spread eagled luring us towards it. The world is indeed a 'beautiful' place to be in if you know where you ought to be. We shopped a bit... A T shirt each for me and friend. But the bill was in 4 figures.

Every single day in B'lore we went to brigade and garuda, ate from Mc.D and KFC, ate umpteen number of 'softees' and did what every bachelor of our perspective would do.
Afer the 5 days of interview, the Navy guys told me to fuck off from Bangalore... While all others who dint get, complied, I refused. Stayed back for another day to satisfy the party animal inside me. I payed for it...big time. Before going back to my den I decided to book the return bus ticket. That was when I realised that the hungry animal in me had eaten away all my money. Not to worry 'cause I had my ATM card. Since twas an International debit card it was suppose to work in many bank counters. Unaware of which all, I entered the first ATM i saw. No luck. Then another and another... The same story. For the better or worse it got blocked. A wonderful start to my last day in B'lore. I returned and payed an advance. I still had to find the rest of the money. I decided to go to Pothan's as planned and think about this stuff later. We chilled that night. My other partner in crime could not join me 'cause his room mate got whacked in the head for tryn to be a hero.

The wise man, my dad, had asked me to take a check leaf with me just in case something like this cropped up. Next I turned to the one thing that has never let me down at such direst of situations. THE INTERNET. After locating the nearest branch of the bank, I resorted to the good old way to track it down. 'Ask'. The nearest branch turned out to be 13 Kms away from where I stayed. Since I was penniless I walked the whole way. After 55 minutes of walking viola there she lay, inviting... By the time I got back to Pothan's twas time for me to leave. We grabbed a quick lunch and I bid farewell to Bangalore with tears in my eyes and a solemn promise to return in the future. But that time with more cash!!!

Crushes,Crushes and Realizations

2008-03-18T22:12:00.000+05:30

Having spent my entire schooling in a boys' school the subject of girls has always been as interesting as alien to me. This 'topic' has never been so alluring as it is now. For those guys living outside my city right now, what I write will seem quite stupid in their present context. But hey, aint blogging all about writing what comes in your mind?
I have to admit it... My love life(for those who dont know me... only my love life) has been a total disaster TILL NOW. I emphasize 'till now' due to assumptions that need no explanations.
Crushes came and went in my life like Indian batsmen did in the pitch, until lately. A maximum of two weeks for one crush. Then i would realize that it had been a total waste of time and move on with my life. But never have I expressed my feelings to the girl whom I supposedly 'loved'. Once i amassed the courage to say it, though rejection was not the answer she turned out to be elder than me. Why me??!!!!
Then another time... to another girl... I ended up giving her a candy rather than talk to her. This one was really funny. She was standing there alone and I, snatching the opportunity approached her. But as I opened my mouth to speak another friend of her's appeared from nowhere. I did the first thing that came to my mind to avoid embarrassment... took my mobile out and said the 'hello', meant for her, into it. Huh!!! mobiles... Later I got the chance I long awaited only to realize that I dint know what to talk to her. I DID NOT have anything to talk to her. So again I did what I did before (no...not the mobile). I had a candy in my pocket so to try and stay in her picture I offered it to her. Then after sometime I escaped from ground zero saying I had my project to attend to. At least my project did that much for me. I haven't spoken my mind though we chit chat sometimes in college.
Looking back now, these experiences have made me realize many facts and have convinced me to take many decisions. I am really happy with the way things are now. It is absolutely normal not to have a girl friend and that bachelorhood is the most blissful period of a man's life. I have stopped the search for the 'one' for me. Am really happy proud about a few friendships i struck since school, especially with some girls. So why disturb the equilibrium.
I might seem gutless and stupid to you... But I dont care about that. These are some episodes in my life I do not wish did not happen. Though I dont wish to repeat these blunders none not even myself can stop a crush from happening. Because you know... love may happen only once but crushes can happen a million times.